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New Year, Better Communication

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Do you regularly respond to a person or a group’s actions or decisions in a way that is opposite of what you really feel—as evidenced by your tone or body language (smirking, raising eyebrows, cocking your head to the side, or sighing)? Sarcasm can ruin your relationships as its goal is usually to scorn, belittle, insult, or express irritation or disapproval.

Perhaps you have convinced yourself that you are not sarcastic at all, but rather witty or humorous. Sarcasm is no joke despite your best attempt to disguise it with a laugh. Perhaps you are not aware that your sarcasm is likely to leave the hearer feeling diminished or devalued. If you want to begin to address this poor communication style, try these strategies:

 

  • Admit your motive for being sarcastic. You may be attempting to control other people or to shame them out of behavior that you disapprove. Face it, the only person you can control is yourself. Or, maybe you are trying to display your great intellect by calling attention to the deficiency of another.

 

  • Practice a more direct approach to expressing your displeasure. Posing a simple question designed to gain a better understanding will go a long way. For example, rather than asking “What in the world were you thinking?” try, “What strategy or goal did you have in mind when you made that move?” This latter statement expresses confidence that surely some forethought was applied. God will give you the right words to say if you ask him to do so. “…those who are wise will find a time and a way to do what is right, for there is a time and a way for everything…) (Ecclesiastes 8:5-6 NLT).

 

  • Consider the implications and consequences of what you are about to say before you say it. Ask yourself, “Will my words imply that the hearer is stupid or has poor judgment? Do they tear down or do they build? “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29 NIV). Make sure every word passes the “benefit” test.

 

  • Consider how you would feel if someone were to say to you, what you are about to say to another. Let the Golden Rule be your guide.

 

(Adapted from “Choose Your Attitude, Change Your Life” by Deborah Smith Pegues)

 

Offended? Pray This Way…

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Father, I am offended and hurt by X’s behavior toward me. I realize that each time I rehearse the situation, it prevents me from experiencing Your peace. I know that in this life, offenses will come— intentionally or unintentionally. Help me to remember that all things work together for my good because I love You and I am called according to Your purpose (Romans 8:28). You could have prevented this offense, but You have allowed it to come into my life for a specific purpose. Please do not let me miss the spiritual and emotional growth, the improved relational skills, or any other benefit that will result from my handling this situation Your way.

Your Word says that those who are merciful are blessed and will obtain mercy (Matthew 5:7). Father, give me a merciful heart toward X. Help me to extend to him the same mercy that You so faithfully extend to me when I violate Your commands.

Proverbs 19:11 reminds me that wisdom gives me patience and that it is to my glory to overlook an offense. Father, I do not want to get stuck in this offense for it is just a trap of the evil one to set me back spiritually and emotionally.

Give me the wisdom to determine when to overlook an offense versus when to confront it. If a godly confrontation is indeed Your will in this situation, then give me the courage to go privately to X and tell him his fault (Matthew 18:15). I pray that I will use the right words—Your words—to express my true feelings and bring closure in a way that honors You. I know that Your words, spoken through me, will not fall to the ground, but will succeed in accomplishing Your purpose (Isaiah 55:11).

Father, as much as it depends on me and as Your grace prevails, I will make every effort to live peaceably with everybody (Romans  12:18). Therefore, by the power of the Holy Spirit, I let go of this offense now. In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

 

 

Overcoming an Impatient Attitude

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“So what’s the bottom line?” Jill wanted to shout at the woman who was giving the support group the long version of her current dilemma. It was getting late and five members were still waiting for their turn to share the issues they had faced during the week. Of course as a trained counselor, Jill knew she had to resist the urge to show her impatience. Sure she was high strung and impatient in general, however, she’d recently had an “aha” moment during a bible study at church. She had finally gotten it: patience is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. It wasn’t something that she could achieve by counting to ten or making a New Year’s resolution; it could only be produced in her by the Spirit of God—with her cooperation. Perhaps you, along with me, share Jill’s challenge in this area.

I’m on a mission to understand and overcome the root cause of my tendency to become impatient with others. I often reminded myself that we are all victims of a fast paced, instant gratification society where we have become accustomed to instant communication (phone, texting, instant messenger), instant food, instant credit, instant news, Hi-speed internet, and a host of other “now” conveniences that cause us to become annoyed at waiting for anything. Clearly this is a self-imposed problem with far reaching consequences since impatience not only affects us physically but emotionally and relationally. What we need is a major shift in our expectations regarding how fast we should move or the pace at which we expect others—including God– to do so.

Impatience affects us emotionally since we feel angry and exasperated when things do not go the way we think they “should”. Jesus warned, “In your patience possess ye your souls” (Luke 21:19 KJV). Bible scholars and psychologist all tell us that our soul is the seat of our emotions. Developing the habit of enduring delays without emotional interference will preserve our joy and keep us at peace. Just try it… for the next 24 hours, refuse to express impatience with any situation.
Impatience hurts our relationships in that it causes us to relate to others in a non-beneficial, non-compassionate manner. Think about how you feel when even a stranger is short-tempered with you. Depending on your spiritual maturity, you either want to retaliate, rebel, or run from his presence. If the impatient person is significant to you and you value his input or perception of you, his impatience can rob you of your confidence and make you feel devalued. Remember this when you are tempted to express your impatience even in the simple form of a deep sigh.
Overcoming impatience begins with an awareness of its presence, a commitment to allow the Holy Spirit to produce patience in you, and a decision to stay in the present moment rather than obsessing about what must happen next or later.

Choose Your Attitude, Change Your Life: Avoid Sarcasm–Part 2*

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Choose Your Attitude, Change Your Life: Strategies for a Better Outlook on Life (B880)Please Read Part 1 for background info and Strategy #1 on how to avoid sarcasm: Strategies 2-4 appear below:

2) Practice a more direct approach to expressing your displeasure. Posing a simple question designed to gain a better understanding will go a long way. For example, rather than asking “What in the world were you thinking?” try, “What strategy or goal did you have in mind when you made that move?” This latter statement expresses confidence that surely some forethought was applied. God will give you the right words to say if you ask him to do so. “…those who are wise will find a time and a way to do what is right, for there is a time and a way for everything…) (Ecclesiastes 8:5-6 NLT).

3) Consider the implications and consequences of what you are about to say before you say it. Ask yourself, “Will my words imply that the hearer is stupid or has poor judgment? Do they tear down or do they build? “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29 NIV). Make sure every word passes the “benefit” test.

4) Consider how you would feel if someone were to say to you, what you are about to say to another. Let the Golden Rule be your guide!

Prayer

Father, I need wisdom in becoming more sensitive to what I say to others. Teach me how to be more accepting of other people’s shortcomings just as you are accepting of mine. In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

*Adapted from Choose Your Attitude, Change Your Life by Deborah Smith Pegues (available April 1, 2014) (Harvest House Publishers)

 

 

Choose Your Attitude, Change Your Life: Avoid Sarcasm–Part 1*

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Do you regularly respond to a person or a group’s actions or decisions in a way that is opposite of what you really feel—as evidenced by your tone or body language (smirking, raising eyebrows, cocking your head to the side, or sighing)? Sarcasm can ruin your relationships as its goal is usually to scorn, belittle, insult, or express irritation or disapproval. You can find it in all social interactions–at home, in sports, romantic relationships, and at church to name a few. Consider these examples:

At home: Junior brings in his report card which reflects low grades in all subjects. Dad says, “Way to go, Einstein!” Dad is expressing his frustration by saying the opposite of what he’s really feeling.

Romantic relationship: John buys his wife Sue a pair of very small diamond earrings. Sue, who had hoped for larger gems, says, “Boy, these are really going to blind people!”

How has your sarcastic attitude affected your life? How do you typically respond to your recurring frustrations or irritations with others? Perhaps you have convinced yourself that you are not sarcastic at all, but rather witty or humorous. Perhaps you are not aware that your sarcasm most likely leaves the hearer feeling diminished or devalued. If you want to begin to address this poor communication style, consider these strategies:

1) Admit your motive for being sarcastic. You may be attempting to control other people or to shame them out of behavior that you disapprove. Face it, the only person you can control is yourself. Or, maybe you are trying to display your great intellect by calling attention to the deficiency of another.

Stay tuned for strategies #3-4… in Part II

*Adapted from Choose Your Attitude, Change Your Life
by Deborah Smith Pegues (available April 1, 2014)