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The Complaining Tongue

30 Days To Taming Your Tongue_Cover_updated2018The five daughters of Zelophehad had a problem.   Their father had died in the wilderness before the Israelites came into the Promised Land.  Zelophehad did not have any sons to inherit his portion of the land and the law did not provide for women to receive the son’s portion instead.  Consequently, his daughters not having a father, brother, husband, son or any other man in their immediate family were left out completely. Rather than complaining to others, they called a “congressional hearing” (Numbers 27) and presented their petition for an inheritance to Moses and the leaders. When Moses took their case to God, He agreed with the women and granted their request. Now, what do you think the outcome would have been had they simply whined to anyone in the multitude who would listen rather than bringing it those in authority? I doubt that they would have gotten an inheritance.  Further, women might still be precluded from owning real estate!

A legitimate complaint can only be resolved if you direct it to the one who can change your situation. Only a few people who are dissatisfied, annoyed or upset by an experience actually take steps to officially complain about it.  They prefer to waste time soliciting others to commiserate with them.  What an exercise in futility! Not only could their input to the right person improve things for them but for others as well.  For example, on several occasions, I find myself in a store where the line is growing longer by the minute. Rather than joining the other customers who are whining about the situation, I seek out (sometimes yell for) the store manager and ask him to open another register. Most of the time this works.

The psalmist in Psalms 142:1-2 (NAS) chose not to bore, frustrate, or waste the time of others with his complaints. “I cry aloud with my voice to the LORD; I make supplication with my voice to the LORD. I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare my trouble before Him.”  He chose to complain only to the one who could bring change.  Notwithstanding, even God tires of constant complaints.

Someone once said, “To swear is wicked because it is taking God’s name in vain. To murmur is likewise wicked for it takes God’s promises in vain.” During your 30-day “tongue fast”, become aware of how often you complain about non-essential matters such as a rainy day, traffic jams, boring television programs, lazy co-workers, and the like.

Since complaining is contagious, this is a hard mouth malady to cure. In the past, I have found myself joining in with complaining wives just to have something in common with them even though my husband was not guilty of the things about which they complained.  I knew that I risked envy and alienation if I confessed to what a wonderful, supportive man that he is. Sometimes I would try to search for something to whine about and would come up with something as shallow as the fact that he eats several times a day–providing a constant temptation for me the eternal dieter.  The man maintains his proper weight and makes his own food most of the time!  What is there to complain about except that I resent his metabolism?

If you are a complainer, you must start to resist the constant “ain’t it awful” party. Trust me, others will be glad that you did and will stop dreading conversations with you.  This is not to say that you shouldn’t seek an occasional sympathetic ear or wise counsel from a valued source.  However, if you are going to ignore their advice and continue to rehearse the problem each time that you converse, beware.  Thy listener shall soon become weary of thee!  When you feel a complaint coming on, replace it with a statement of gratitude or a declaration of a Scripture that you have personalized.

Here is my favorite affirmation for keeping complaining at bay:

“Because God works all things together for my good, according to His purpose for my life, I will not complain.”

EXCERPTED FROM:  30 Days to Taming Your Tongue (Harvest House Publishers); over one million sold.

New Year, Better Communication

Do you regularly respond to a person or a group’s actions or decisions in a way that is opposite of what you really feel—as evidenced by your tone or body language (smirking, raising eyebrows, cocking your head to the side, or sighing)? Sarcasm can ruin your relationships as its goal is usually to scorn, belittle, insult, or express irritation or disapproval.

Perhaps you have convinced yourself that you are not sarcastic at all, but rather witty or humorous. Sarcasm is no joke despite your best attempt to disguise it with a laugh. Perhaps you are not aware that your sarcasm is likely to leave the hearer feeling diminished or devalued. If you want to begin to address this poor communication style, try these strategies:

 

  • Admit your motive for being sarcastic. You may be attempting to control other people or to shame them out of behavior that you disapprove. Face it, the only person you can control is yourself. Or, maybe you are trying to display your great intellect by calling attention to the deficiency of another.

 

  • Practice a more direct approach to expressing your displeasure. Posing a simple question designed to gain a better understanding will go a long way. For example, rather than asking “What in the world were you thinking?” try, “What strategy or goal did you have in mind when you made that move?” This latter statement expresses confidence that surely some forethought was applied. God will give you the right words to say if you ask him to do so. “…those who are wise will find a time and a way to do what is right, for there is a time and a way for everything…) (Ecclesiastes 8:5-6 NLT).

 

  • Consider the implications and consequences of what you are about to say before you say it. Ask yourself, “Will my words imply that the hearer is stupid or has poor judgment? Do they tear down or do they build? “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29 NIV). Make sure every word passes the “benefit” test.

 

  • Consider how you would feel if someone were to say to you, what you are about to say to another. Let the Golden Rule be your guide.

 

(Adapted from “Choose Your Attitude, Change Your Life” by Deborah Smith Pegues)

 

Are You Socially Confident?

Every day as I pursue different objectives, I realize more and more that technical competence is not enough.   Whatever goals you and I set, we are going to need PEOPLE–at every level of the economic spectrum–to bring them to fruition. Perfecting your people skills by becoming what I call “trans-social” is the unwritten rule that will catapult you into the next level in every occupation or endeavor. I remember being told point blank by a certain Fortune 500 executive that I had been advanced over another more experienced employee simply because he was “not as sophisticated”. It sounds unfair, but the reality is that such perceptions are advancing or thwarting personal dreams in companies, churches, and common relationships every day.You may have pooh-poohed social etiquette and professional decorum in the past, but trust me, as the world becomes more competitive, you are going to need this underrated advantage. I’ve written a crash-course book on becoming socially confident entitled Socially Confident in 60 Seconds: Practical Tips for Navigating Any Situation. It is not an exhaustive treatment of the subject of etiquette but rather a discussion of the essentials that you must master if you want to go to the next level of your occupation–or to succeed at a new occupation or endeavor.

Here are a few essentials that I cover in the book: Do you know the guidelines for making personal introductions? Who’s name do you say first when you introduce your boss, pastor, mother, or other? When do you offer your business card at networking events? What do you do with your napkin if you have to leave the table during a meal? What do you say when someone asks you how much money you make? Listen, friend, this book is hot and you need it. My publisher will release it on July 1st; you will be smart to pre-order it and read a generous number of value-added excerpts at: https://amzn.to/1U69cSg. Be sure to share this link with someone you want to help expand their borders.  Now, for a sneak peak at  the book… We all know that people judge your intellect most often by how you speak. Test yourself here and see how you are faring in pronouncing these words:

Commonly Mispronounced Words
The Word Say Don’t Say
pronunciation pro-nun-ciation pro-noun-ciation
library li-brary li-berry
often off-en off-ten
government gov-ern-ment guv-ment
height hite hithe
length leng-th lenth
modern mah-dern mah-der-ren
athlete ath-lete ath-a-lete
diamond di-a-mond di-mond
theater thea-ter the-a-ter
February Feb-ru-ary Feb-u-ary
realtor real-tor real-a-tor
hierarchy higher-archy high-archy
prescription pre-scription per-scription
interesting in-tresting in-ter-resting
recognize rec-og-nize reconize
Alzheimer’s Alz-heimers Alt-timers

Happy Mothers Day to Me!

I never had kids but I have functioned “maternally” in many people’s lives. (I’ve heard from a few of them this Mother’s Day weekend). While most celebrate the “biological” mom on this special day, I want to applaud the aunties, grandmothers, godmothers, adoptive moms, foster mothers, stepmothers, spiritual moms, neighbors, teachers, and others who have nurtured, mentored, counseled, sent money, supported with their presence, gave advice, taught the ways of God, confronted, corrected, and bridged the gap or void that the birth mom wasn’t able or willing to do. I salute you ALL! Thank all the birth moms who brought these special people into the world and gave us the opportunity to share God’s love with them.

5 Ways to Keep Family Conflict from Driving You Crazy

After this past holiday season and an inordinate level of tension, I did some soul searching and drew a few conclusions about how to keep  family conflict from driving me crazy. Here’re five things BIG FAMILY GATHERING_outdoor-party imageI’m committed to doing going forward. I welcome you to join me:

#1: If you are a Christian (not just in word), lower your expectations. Why expect people with an ungodly,  worldly viewpoint to behave according to the Bible? Your job? Nonstop intercession (“pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion” (Ephesians 6:18))– as well as a little introspection to see where you could exercise more wisdom.

#2: Guard your heart by putting on the WHOLE ARMOR of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) each time you plan to get together and in between time also–so that you will be able to “stand firm against all strategies of the devil”. Don’t let negativity seep into your spirit and impact your attitude and general demeanor.

#3: Limit (not necessarily “eliminate”) your exposure to the negative folks who instigate family conflict.  Don’t buy into what they say about others. Draw you own conclusions about people–and give them space to be human. Remember that the Lord requires us to “love mercy” (Micah 6:8), so let’s extend it freely.

#4: Develop nurturing friendships with folks outside your family circle so that they can be a sounding board and a refuge (yes, God is our ultimate refuge) for when you need a little emotional support.

#5:  Don’t tell a family member ANYTHING in “confidence” about another family member. In the midst of a heated discussion, your confidante will likely reveal the info and its source (that will be you!) to strengthen their argument. Most people don’t have the wisdom or spiritual maturity to be that discreet during an argument so don’t put them in a position to fail.

Commit to these steps and you’ll have a strong likelihood of staying sane during the next inevitable family conflict.

The Physical Rewards of Forgiving

GIVING-TO-OTHERS-WHAT-GOD-GIVES-TO-METhe act of forgiveness can literally take a load off your chest. So says Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project. In his bestselling book, Forgive for Good, A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, he reports that several research studies found that just the mere idea of forgiving someone allowed some people to feel better. On the other hand, if the participants in the study imagined themselves as unforgiving, they had negative reactions, such as high blood pressure. Throughout the book, he explains that people who are more forgiving report fewer symptoms of stress and health problems. Failure to forgive may be more significant than hostility as a risk factor for heart disease.

We can go a long way in promoting our general health just by choosing to forgive. Unforgiving people keep themselves in a constant state of tension by thinking often about the situation and people involved in a transgression. Such chronic tension can lead to depression and hopelessness. I know because I’ve seen it manifest in my family and several close acquaintances. Their bitterness and resentment have impacted every corner of their lives.

Why allow offenders to rent free space in our heads and control the quality of our lives by focusing on them? We can choose to avoid the stress and tension associated with reliving the hurtful situation—when we choose to forgive. Decide to disconnect that ball and chain today. Don’t worry about letting the perpetrator off the hook; you will only be disconnecting YOURSELF from the hook. You can do this.  LEARN FROM THE BURN, BUT FORGIVE TO LIVE.

A Prayer for When You Have Been FINANCIALLY DISADVANTAGED or RIPPED OFF

robber-holding-money-bags-while-running

Father, I have been financially disadvantaged in my dealings with X. By Your grace, I lay down my anger, frustration, disappointment, and unforgiveness. Because You guard all that is mine (Psalm 16:5), this outcome did not catch You by surprise. Help me put the loss in perspective and to remember that You can restore exceedingly and abundantly above all that I can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

Father, I need Your wisdom for how to proceed in resolving this matter—through legal channels or by simply forgiving the debt. I do not want to enable X to continue in her evil, dysfunctional,  or irresponsible ways, but neither do I want to destroy her emotionally, financially, or otherwise. Show me where I may have failed to communicate or formally document my expectations. Help me to see if I set X up for failure with terms or conditions that were too vague, too onerous, or even too lenient.

O Lord, You know the current state of X’s finances and whether she has the ability to repay me now or in the future. If she has dealt with me deceitfully, convict her of her sin. Your Word declares that bread gained by deceit is sweet, but afterward the deceiver’s mouth will be full of gravel (Proverbs 20:17). I pray that X will find no satisfaction, profit, or peace in the fruit of her deception.

Give her the courage to come forward and resolve this issue in a manner that honors You. Let her not be named among the wicked who refuse to pay back what they owe (Psalm 37:21). Rather, help her to become an upright person guided by integrity (Proverbs 11:3).

Father, thank You that You have made me a lender and not a bor rower. I acknowledge that You own everything I possess (Psalm 24:1). I want to be a good, discerning  steward of all You have entrusted into my care. Please do not let a root of bitterness spring up in me and stop me from helping others because of this disappointing outcome.

I submit this financial loss to You. I choose to walk in forgiveness and in the freedom-giving truth that You are the avenger of every wrong. In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

My Most Eventful Month of the Decade!

Forgive,-Let-Go,-and-Live_bI hope that you’ve all had a great summer. August has been an eventful month for me.

On August 1, my new book,  Forgive, Let Go, and Live,  was released by Harvest House Publishers. I’m really excited about its potential to free people who are stuck in their story of hurt and offense. Here is a capsule of some of the key content:
• 25 Real Stories of the Tragedy of Revenge and the Triumph of Forgiveness
• 10 Signs That It’s Time to Let Go of a Hurtful Relationship
• A 12-Step Mini Program for Forgiveness
• 5 Rewards of Letting Go of an Offense
• 20 Scripture-based Prayers to Release Specific Hurts and Offenses

It is so critical that we guard our peace of mind and make every effort to have harmonious relationships in the various circles of our lives. Nothing gets accomplished without people.  You may read an excerpt and purchase the book at Amazon.com (https://goo.gl/dG761w) –or if you insist on wanting an autographed copy, order it from my website: www.ConfrontingIssues.com.

The second weekend in August, I traveled to Orlando, Fl for the culmination of my training to become an independent, certified John Maxwell Leadership Coach! I’m delighted to be associated with John and his team. He has been named the number one leadership guru in the world. John has set the bar pretty high and by the grace of God, I’ll try to keep it there. I plan to conduct corporate masterminds, seminars, and other gatherings primarily around the issue of connecting effectively with people and adding value to their lives.

Finally, on August 15, I was delighted to participate in the commencement ceremony of Next Dimension University, a private accredited Bible college on a mission to stamp out biblical illiteracy. They awarded me an honorary doctorate in Theology along with gospel greats Yolanda Adams, Fred Hammond, and others who are making a difference in the world. And no, you don’t have to call me Dr. Deborah!

I pray that you are pursuing your God-ordained purpose and being fulfilled in every way. Don’t be a victim to procrastination or fear—and for goodness sake, don’t wait until you feel “totally qualified” to step out on faith. Know that God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that you could ask or think—according to the power that works IN YOU (Ephesians 3:20). Be blessed and thanks for being a part of my “tribe”.

“Forgive, Let Go, and Live” ….Coming August 1, 2015

To “Look Inside” the book , go to Amazon.com, cut and paste this link:   https://goo.gl/dG761w

Here is what’s waiting:

25  Real Stories of  the Tragedy of Revenge and the Triumph of Forgiveness

 6 Questions to Ask Yourself When Contemplating Revenge

 5 Things to Consider Before Restoring a Relationship

 10 Signs That It’s Time to Let Go of a Hurtful Relationship

 12-Step Mini Program for Forgiveness

 5 Rewards of Letting Go of an Offense

 9 Essential Acts When Seeking Forgiveness from Another

 20 Scripture-based Prayers to Release Specific Hurts and Offenses

Overcoming an Impatient Attitude

“So what’s the bottom line?” Jill wanted to shout at the woman who was giving the support group the long version of her current dilemma. It was getting late and five members were still waiting for their turn to share the issues they had faced during the week. Of course as a trained counselor, Jill knew she had to resist the urge to show her impatience. Sure she was high strung and impatient in general, however, she’d recently had an “aha” moment during a bible study at church. She had finally gotten it: patience is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. It wasn’t something that she could achieve by counting to ten or making a New Year’s resolution; it could only be produced in her by the Spirit of God—with her cooperation. Perhaps you, along with me, share Jill’s challenge in this area.

I’m on a mission to understand and overcome the root cause of my tendency to become impatient with others. I often reminded myself that we are all victims of a fast paced, instant gratification society where we have become accustomed to instant communication (phone, texting, instant messenger), instant food, instant credit, instant news, Hi-speed internet, and a host of other “now” conveniences that cause us to become annoyed at waiting for anything. Clearly this is a self-imposed problem with far reaching consequences since impatience not only affects us physically but emotionally and relationally. What we need is a major shift in our expectations regarding how fast we should move or the pace at which we expect others—including God– to do so.

Impatience affects us emotionally since we feel angry and exasperated when things do not go the way we think they “should”. Jesus warned, “In your patience possess ye your souls” (Luke 21:19 KJV). Bible scholars and psychologist all tell us that our soul is the seat of our emotions. Developing the habit of enduring delays without emotional interference will preserve our joy and keep us at peace. Just try it… for the next 24 hours, refuse to express impatience with any situation.
Impatience hurts our relationships in that it causes us to relate to others in a non-beneficial, non-compassionate manner. Think about how you feel when even a stranger is short-tempered with you. Depending on your spiritual maturity, you either want to retaliate, rebel, or run from his presence. If the impatient person is significant to you and you value his input or perception of you, his impatience can rob you of your confidence and make you feel devalued. Remember this when you are tempted to express your impatience even in the simple form of a deep sigh.
Overcoming impatience begins with an awareness of its presence, a commitment to allow the Holy Spirit to produce patience in you, and a decision to stay in the present moment rather than obsessing about what must happen next or later.